Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

As a doctor, I can confirm

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it