I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Worth a try
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Finally!
