I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere