Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

This will teach them to underestimate me

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.