Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.