Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

New menu item

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

🤣✨#caturday

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!