I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this