Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

The options really are this bad

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix