If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.