I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.

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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.


Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.


You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you


You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.


This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.

We’re all going to die, aren’t we?


OMG you guys!! I have abs







…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.


Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.



Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.