I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
You Might Also Like
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Europe. Made in Germany.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
first responders? you mean reply guys?
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
weddings should have a worst man
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you