Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

I have so many questions.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

just having fun

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?