I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
The first matador
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!