I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
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*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
What’s so funny?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
*files a restraining order against reality*
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right