Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

hi why am I like this

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.