Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

*jazz hands*

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died