I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
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@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money