Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours