Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Pot warmers of the day.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT