I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
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[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado