Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing