Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

i was baptized in a car wash