I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
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There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
every man in east london
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
This kid is a star!
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is