I can’t stop laughing 🤣
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I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes