I can’t stop laughing 🤣
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[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.