I can鈥檛 stop laughing 馃ぃ
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can鈥檛 be right.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I would like to think money won鈥檛 change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Now that we鈥檙e divorcing,
I鈥檓 definitely not finishing that scarf I鈥檝e been knitting you for nine years
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it鈥檚 probably mine.
Me: probably?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: this math stuff isn鈥檛 gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she鈥檚 trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog鈥檚 name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan鈥檚 mustache?
I鈥檝e been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.