I can’t stop laughing at this
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People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My work here is done
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Is your wife single?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*