Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”