Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew