Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Tony Hawk, age 6

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.