I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!