I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol