I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Oh the world we live in…
Bloody internet 😳
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
this is so top tier i cant
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray