I can’t stop laughing at this
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The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
next level snooze
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved