I can’t stop laughing 🤣
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stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week