I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
