I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
You Might Also Like
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you