I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
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When libraries troll their patrons.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs