I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
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My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!