I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
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Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…