I can’t stop watching this.
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Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
😭😭
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil