I can’t stop watching this.
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I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Ok cat haters, explain this…
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.