I can’t stop watching this.
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“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird