I can’t stop watching this.
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Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.