Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.