I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
reminder
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.