I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
The Friday File.
