I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.