I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Go hard or stay average
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’