Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….