I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
i wish we could shoplift online
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.