I can’t stop watching this.
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My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.