i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here