Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

This is my cat’s medicine.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this