Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*