I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
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Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.