Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you