I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.