Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

So many pants.
So little yoga.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan