Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.