I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
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if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die