Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.