I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
You Might Also Like
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa