Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

Has science gone too far?

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

5 ways to appear taller

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.