I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
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I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Sorry not sorry.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
me: my friends:
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts