Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Worth remembering.

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Do not levitate over flowers

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.