Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

I hope this email finds you in a well

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020