Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

That’s what I call a flat tire

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”