I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
You’re never alone. Theres mold
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Ugh
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?