I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.