I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
23. the denim jacket
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
making sure he doesnt get away
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.