I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
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It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
a lot to unpack here
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My favorite farside!!
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”