Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Just how popey was the pope today?

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?